February 2014 - Nobody is ListeningNobody is Listening

I’ve been quiet here because I’ve been a bit busy. I’m nearing the end of two weeks in Portland on business.

Rewinding to last week, but first a digression. I recently decided that it would be great fun to make the drive here from Denver if I could arrange a track day at Portland International Raceway. I reached out to the local enthusiasts, Club Lotus Northwest (CLNW) and found that they’re having a track day at PIR on August 29. I also signed up for their mailing list. When my presence was requested in the office, it turns out that I’d be in town when CLNW had one of their meetings.

So last Tuesday I found myself at the McMenamin’s Courtyard restaurant at the Kennedy School to meet with the fine folks of CLNW. Genae and I make fun of the TV shows where the substance abusers all know that there’s an AA meeting right around the corner from wherever they are. And so I travel a thousand miles to attend a Lotus club meeting. “My name is Dave and I drive a Lotus!”

The Kennedy School was an elementary school built in 1915. McMenamin’s renovated the once abandoned gem, turning it into a complex featuring a 57 room hotel, a theater, and a handful of restaurants/bars. I probably should have wandered around the place a bit to enjoy the murals. I’ll put it on my list for a return visit.

A few quick thoughts on my two weeks here:

Rental car for the first week was a Kia Forte. Never heard of it before. First car I’ve driven in ages that didn’t have a remote lock. A very pedestrian car completely lacking in any interesting features.
Week one’s hotel room was on the top floor, right next to the elevator. I was expecting it to be noisy but I was pleasantly surprised it was quiet. But each morning I was awakened to the smell of bacon – the breakfast area was directly below me and the scent went straight up the elevator shaft.
Going through security at DIA they directed me to a line where I didn’t need to remove my jacket, belt, or shoes, and could leave the laptop in the backpack. A first for me.
Returning to Denver, my flight was delayed over two hours due to wind in Denver. Only the second time I’ve had a flight delayed due to weather in Denver.
Second time through DIA I was again diverted, this time through the TSA pre-check line. Do they not realize I’ve been on the watch list for the last several years? I could get used to such quick screening.
I’m certainly spoiled by the weather in Denver. I enjoy my time here in Portland, but the weather is a bit of a downer. I may be wrong, but I think it has rained every day I’ve been here these two weeks. I’m told the sun comes out by July.
Week two’s car is a Dodge Avenger. How did they manage to give an exciting name to such a drab car?
This week’s hotel is being renovated. At least the rooms on my floor are. I’m in a newly redecorated room. Half the rooms are under construction – there are post-it notes on most doors: “Complete by Friday”, “Tile: caulk soap dish, caulk top of tile in shower”, and so on. New carpet, tile, wallpaper. But they kept the old sink and bathtub. Instead of the smell of bacon in the morning, I get the smell of paint all the time.
I’m a bit stuck in a rut in the restaurant category. I have dinner at another McMenamin’s place – John Barleycorn’s. This time was a pint of their Ruby and a chicken pesto sandwich.
Being a book junkie, I make a trip downtown to Powell’s City of Books. Three floors that take up a full city block, I can never make an exit without an armload.
Each time now, I eat at the Deschutes Brewery a block from Powell’s. Tonight it was smoked chicken and field greens – basically a Cobb salad with greens instead of iceberg lettuce. And a half liter of one of their cask ales. Yum.

Genae and I went to see Alton Brown do his thing at the Ellie Caulkins Opera House. I really had no idea what to expect. What does a famous TV cook do in a theater? Sing and dance?

Yes and no.

That is, he sang and played guitar (and saxophone!) and did some standup comedy. All about food and cooking. And even without any sort of kitchen equipment (except a mini fridge) he managed to whip up some ice cream and pizza. But no dancing.

Before the show

But let’s back up a bit. The entertainment began well before the show started. There was a video screen above the stage, pure white and seemingly not in use. Every now and then a sock puppet showed up briefly. As it got closer to showtime, the puppets appeared more frequently. Then they started belching and farting. Made the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles seem tame in comparison. I was thinking it was directed at those of us in the audience stuck at 12 years old, but it turns out the little guys represented yeast. Then the lights came down and he walked on stage.

Alton Brown tweeted this picture early in the show.

He made a couple of jokes about the Super Bowl – “I lost a hundred bucks last night, so I know how you feel!” And a couple jokes about pot brownies. Then launched into his show.

For the musical parts, he played guitar and sang. He did a love song to caffeine and a blues about pork chops, a rocker about wanting an Easy Bake Oven and a complicated lullaby about how easy it is to cook.

He had two big set pieces that required a participant from the audience.

The first was to make ice cream. He had constructed a device from plastic 5 gallon water bottles and fire extinguishers – a CO2 extinguisher on one end and a water one on the other, with a canister in between made from the bottles. The water one had chocolate milk in it instead of water. And the canister in between (held together with duct tape) had holes along the top for vents. He made sure to explain what the vents were for, then rotated the canister to angle the vents toward the audience. Then he passed ponchos out to the folks in the first couple of rows.

A member of the audience pulled the trigger on the chocolate milk side while he did the CO2 side. Ten seconds later, after a fair amount of noise and venting of chocolate laced CO2 over the folks up close, he pulled the tape off and scooped some of the contents into an ice cream cone. He had the volunteer taste the concoction – chocolaty and … carbonated!

This operation made a bit of a mess, so they took a break to clean things up.

The other big set piece was brought out after singing his song about the Easy Bake Oven. During the song they lowered an Easy Bake Oven from the rafters and he stopped the song: “I said 12 feet high!” The prop guy showed him the plans: “Two marks means inches, one mark means feet. Two marks!”

After the song he told us the story of his first Easy Bake Oven. His parents wouldn’t give him one but he got a hand-me-down from a cousin. This was old school – not one but two 100 watt bulbs. (Now I think they’re 40 watt.) But now that he’s a famous TV cook with means, he scaled it up a bit. I could almost hear Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor saying “More power!”

He unveiled a big contraption – the Mega Bake Oven. Built on a big steel frame he mounted 54 par 64 lights. Those are the ones you see over the stage at heavy metal concerts. They’re 1000 watts each. Half on top facing down, half on bottom facing up. With a conveyer in between, operated by a wheel like you’d find on an old pirate ship.

He selected another volunteer to help him make pizzas. After they tossed the dough, slathered on the sauce, piled on the cheese, pepperoni, and beef jerky, she worked the wheel to move the pizzas back and forth for three minutes to bake them while he showed slides of the building of the Mk 1 prototype Mega Bake. On stage was the Mk 3. “Don’t ask about the Mk 2 … I’ll just say ‘litigation'”. We were close enough to smell the pizza. Smelled pretty good.

Alton Brown is a very entertaining and talented guy. We had a great time.